I Was Terrified of Speaking to White Men
Sep 14, 2022
Do you remember that time you met the CEO in the lift and your bones suddenly turned to jelly as you struggled to make small talk?
- You were stuttering.
- Under your armpits were dripping.
- You were praying for the lift to go faster.
Your anxiety levels were off the charts. What do I say? What do we have in common? What if I say something stupid?
When you’ve felt like that, you were probably in your child-ego state. A quick explanation of Transactional Analysis Theory makes this clearer. When communicating with others, we all act, think and feel in one of three states (depending on the person or situation):
Parent ego state – being like parents/parental figures (authoritarian)
Adult ego state – responding to the present as an adult (where we want to be)
Child ego state – being like we were as children (submissive)
When you were in your child-ego state, maybe you feared:
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Being told off
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Getting something wrong
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Asking a question
Yes, even in our professional lives, we can still revert to thinking, feeling and behaving in childlike ways and often we don’t notice! This lack of awareness doesn’t just affect confidence; it can also influence how we show up in an inclusive workplace, how we engage in inclusion in the workplace, and how we respond when faced with difference.
Not having this awareness can stunt your growth, especially when it comes to building meaningful connections. This also happens when we fear “the other.”
Admit it — how many times, when in the company of someone you feel you have little in common with (because they seem so different to you), have you:
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Been cold or distant because you weren’t sure of their motives?
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Avoided conversation in case it revealed your unconscious bias?
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Pretended not to see them to avoid engaging?
I’ve done all these things.
This quote sums it up perfectly:
“A lack of knowledge is a lack of power.” — Bruce Lipton
When you do not have enough understanding of different people, cultures and relationships, it becomes incredibly difficult to stay in your adult ego state. In the presence of people who differ from us across race, culture, background, status or identity, fear can take over.
I’m just going to say it: I used to find myself stuttering, palms sweating, and tongue frozen when speaking to most white men. I felt intimidated. As a child, the only white men I encountered were authority figures like headteachers, lawmakers and the police. That subconscious fear travelled with me into adulthood and affected my behaviour, a common experience when people haven’t explored equity diversity inclusion concepts, cultural humility, or how microaggressions and assumptions shape everyday interactions.
- It stopped me from making connections at networking events.
- It stunted my growth when negotiating contracts.
- It paralysed me during casual conversations.
Things changed when I began studying the psychology of cultural connections about 15 years ago. Suddenly I became fascinated by how we ALL use our cultural frame of reference to judge others. This impacts how we build relationships or avoid them. This is the same root issue we explore in unconscious bias training, anti racism training, DEI training, and courses on workplace inclusion diversity and diversity and inclusion at work.
That learning led me to deliver cultural awareness training for teachers and the rest is history.
As time has gone on, I’ve built upon and refined my teachings and gone on to help thousands of people use their adult-ego state and navigate culturally and racially diverse relationships with confidence. With a degree in Arts Practice and Cultural Policy, and a postgraduate certificate in Community Engagement, I never imagined it would be my personal experience that would spark the path that now guides my work in diversity and inclusion, inclusive leadership, and addressing racism at workplace settings.
Now, I easily speak with and train white men and others without missing a heartbeat. We are all fallible humans, vulnerable to irrational fears but when we take time to learn how to manage relationships with “the other,” we give ourselves the gift of being who we truly are:
Amazing, adaptable, accepting adults.
For many, talking about race and examining the racism definition, bias, or microaggressions is uncomfortable but avoiding the conversation doesn’t solve anything. This is why our CPD-accredited courses exist. Enrol your staff in Time to Talk About Race or Understanding Microaggressions – The Subtle Racism online courses to strengthen confidence, awareness and skills in culturally diverse environments.
As always, I wish you nothing but success.
Rebbecca
Your creating cultural harmony guide
Talking about racism can seem difficult and uncomfortable. This CPD accredited course provides a foundational education on racism to help to increase racial literacy which includes building confidence to speak about and deal with issues concerning race. It provides a language through which meaningful conversation can take place (particularly in the workplace).
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